I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize