Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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