At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
