I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
