If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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