My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
