he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize