i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
