Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize