You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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