I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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