I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
