Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
