got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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