Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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