I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize