Quick, to the slutcave!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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