I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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