On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
