I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We're too hungover to prance.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
