Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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