literally had 100 drinks last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
