we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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