i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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