she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
