i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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