i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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