Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
