I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
