see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
