thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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