She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
