It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
