Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
