i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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