Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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