Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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