what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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