Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
