my soul wont recognize me after tonight
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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