Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
