omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
