halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
