I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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