What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Randomize
