I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
