pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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