just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
