Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
