no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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