one might say we're banned from that church
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
