Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
