I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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