You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
