i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
