i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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