Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
