Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
