YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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