i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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