look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize