I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
