Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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