his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
