I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
