If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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