My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
